Many things happened, naturally. But the one defining moment that stands out above all the rest was the passing of Kuldeep. His untimely death brought into sharp focus how fragile and tenuous life actually can be. Now, months from the actual incident, not a day goes by when I don't think of him, or miss him or wonder if he's really gone.
His death, and the subsequent devastation in wrought on his widow, Manjit, made me think of what would happen to me, of how I would react, when the time came for my father to slip the mortal bonds of earth. He's the most important person in the world to me and if I could, I would want him with me forever. But, that is not the nature of things and he too eventually will go. But, the thought of being orphaned, of losing his wise words or ready smile terrifies me. It really does.
It was ironic that Kuldeep died exactly a day after I went bungee jumping. The moment I jumped from the platform and into space, trusting only the uncertain hold of a bungee cord, was one in which I felt utterly exhilarated and completely joyous. The uncertainty of it all - the possibility, however remote, of a messy end, was like an intoxicant, an aphrodisiac and it was a sublime experience and made me alive as I'd never felt before. And the next day, my friend died.
In terms of work, it was a year of new experiences, both good and awful. While not exactly covering myself in glory, I acquitted myself reasonably well and worked my pants off to try and bring in the best stories I could. Of course, everything good I did was marred by one moment of arrogant idiocy, marked by a published piece which was greeted by a righteous torrent of abuse from the not-so-adoring public.
After that, whatever I did seemed to be an effort to make up for that sin, to purge that stain on my record and on my soul. Yet, nothing ever seemed to do it and I'm slowly resigning myself to the fact that it was a very precious lesson learnt at very high a cost.
2008 was also a year of friends gained, friends lost and "friends" discarded. Besides Kuldeep, I lost two of my best friends to totally differing fates. Taran got engaged in mid-year and will be getting married later this month. We've grown from boyhood to manhood together, known each other for 15 years and have seen or spoken to each other almost every day of our lives. I'm happy for him - that he's found his soul mate, but am a little melancholic in the knowledge that nothing will ever be the same again.Dominic, on the other hand, has become a sailor. This is the same guy who helped me through some of the toughest times in my life, and who's become my pillar of strength and my source of advice. Suddenly he's gone and it's as if I'm floundering without a rudder.
Yet, life is nothing if not balanced. While my two best friends slowly fade to black, others step up to take centrestage. Lovely people like Jacky and Melissa, like Audrey E, like Leslie, like Eve, like Darshini, like Ranjeetha - these people have become more important to my well-being and my sanity. A lot of people flit in and out of our lives, seasonal friends who are good for that period of time. I don't know and wouldn't presume to say that these people are above being just seasonal buddies, but I have a good feeling about them.
As for friends discarded, what need I say? Life's too short to waste on people who have no respect for you, only come to you when they need something or only use and abuse you to feel better about themselves. Naturally, this category would include people I wouldn't care to name. It's easy to feel pissed off about it, but I'm trying to take the high ground and just think that it was good while it lasted.
Finally, we come to the issue of l'amour. Always one to bedevil me, this year has seen it taken to new and more ridiculous heights.
From having a blazing row with my family (simply because of my own stubbornness) over somebody who was patently wrong for me and over a relationship I knew would not last, to going against my usual nature and falling deeply in lust with somebody and engaging on a torrid affair despite knowing the damage it could cause, to finally rounding up the year making an amazing connection with somebody and probably falling in love with her only to be buggered by the problem of "bad timing" - 2008 has thrown a lot of curve balls my way.
But, that was in the year past. It's 2009 now, and we're at the tail end of the first decade of the new millennium. And what have I decided to do?
I've decided to look internally, and to the higher power, for the answers and not just float along with the tide.
I've decided to be in more control of my emotions, to guard my heart with greater care.
I've decided to save my time, my energy and my love for those that deserve it and to be cleverer with how I handle the "hi-bye" friends.
I've decided to try to curb my negativity and self-destructive tendencies.
I've decided to use my 6 months in America to learn as much as I can, experience as much as I can and come back a better man.
New Year resolutions have a way of being routinely broken, which is why I hesitate to lump these decisions under that category. So, I'll just call them things I need to change about my life, for my own sake.
~ Live well, laugh often, love much ~ Italian proverb.
