Football - The Beautiful Game

Jogo Bonito seems to have quite literally become The Beautiful Game.

The World Cup 2010 may not have tickled and titillated too many fans, with its low-scoring games, dour tactics and God-damn annoying vuvu-fucking-zelas.

Still, it has pushed the right buttons as far as one group of people are concerned.

The South African jamboree has sparked the interest of
beauty worshipping website, beautifulpeople.com
The website has recently published a list featuring the beauties and the beasts of this World Cup. And no, I'm not talking about WAGs and visiting celebrities. The website's list actually focuses on the players themselves.

Come on, let's face it. It's a common enough thing. Most of us have had to put up with fans - mainly women - who gush about how cute Stevie G is (the answer being: not at all!) or how they'd like to despoil Iker Casillas (who, I have to admit, is a good looking bloke) and how bewitching Kaka's dark, mysterious eyes are (excuse me while I go puke my dinner).

Well, anyway, visitors to beautifulpeople have appointed
Spain's misfiring forward Fernando Torres as this edition's official Adonis.

Joining him in the "most beautiful man" category is Portugal winger/ inside forward / gay icon /new daddy Cristiano Ronaldo. Torres scored a massive 7.81 out of 10 while Crissy wasn't far behind,with 7.52.

Other Greek Gods in the tournament include Kaka, French flop Yoann Gourcuff, Casillas and Spanish hotshot David Villa. All polled scores of above 7.

Interestingly, the teams that are considered to be collectively the most lovely to watch (and I mean that quite literally) are also the World Cup's finalists - Spain and Holland. If their beauty ratings are anything to go by (5.77 for Spain, 5.53 for Holland), the Spanish will just about edge Holland to the trophy.

And what about the beasties? Who are the ones who are considered the uglies? The kinds that wouldn't be able to score in a brothel?

Well, the most prominent names are Frenchman Franck Ribery, England's Wayne Rooney (whose summer seems to be going from bad to worse), Argentine striker Carlos Tevez and Spanish semi-final hero Carles Puyol. They scored a paltry 2.95, 3.28, 3.23 and 3.98 respectively. And you really can't argue with that can you? None of them have the kind of face you'd want to encounter in a dark alley at night.















But the award for the fugliest, the most un-lovely and the most unravishing teams belongs to North Korea and the Ivory Coast.

North Korea's soccer superstars' ratings range from 2.95 to 3.53 for an average of 3.26. The Ivory Coast, on the other hand, counts Didier Drogba as its best looking bloke, which pretty much tells you how tragic they are in the looks department (3.57 for the number-obsessed among you).

But then again, that's the beauty (THAT WORD AGAIN!) of football, isn't it? Or rather, that's the beauty of sports in general.

You can be the most goddamn ugly motherfucker around and still be a God. It used to be that way in music and acting, but both art forms are devolving into popularity contests and beauty pageants as time goes by.

Sport remains pure though. Where else would the Williams sisters shine? In what other line of work would Smokin' Joe Frazier have found fame and fortune? Shaquille O' Neal has a face that even a mother would have trouble loving.

But if you're a sportsman or sportswoman, none of that matters. It's all about your talent, your perseverance, your fighting spirit, your sportsmanship and the moments of magic that you create.

It doesn't matter if you're a bug-eyed Brazilian teenager scoring one of the greatest ever World Cup goals or an aging Cameroonian with missing teeth celebrating your goal by gyrating with the corner flag. People will worship you, people will adore you, people will love you and people will remember you.

And that, boys and girls, is why we love sport.

Facts. Of A Sort.

Idle minds are the devil's playground. And it seems my mind is very often idle these days. So, in order to avoid Lucifer, Beelzebub and co moving in, I've taken to reading FACTS. (Facts to be pronounced with raised eyebrows, pulled down lower lip and exaggerated haughty voice. Why? Coz they are FACTS!)

I would describe these facts as useless, except that I'm sure that somewhere out there a sociologist/anthropologist/zoologist or whatever-ologist is creaming his panties over these esoteric grains of knowledge.

Here are said facts - in bold - with my humble opinion - not in bold, since it is supposed to be humble - attached.









The housefly regurgitates its food and eats it again.
A very useful ability. Gross, and bound to ensure a barren love life, but has anybody ever
heard of a housefly that died of hunger?





Some sailors believed that if there is a cat on a ship, it means it is a lucky trip.
Didn't they also believe that having a woman on a ship was considered unlucky? So what if it was a female cat?



Kareem Abdul-Jabbar was named Lew Alcindor when he was born.
Lew Alcindor just doesn't have the same ring to it. Say it after me now. Karrrrreeeeeem Abdoooooool Jabbbbbbbbbarrrrrrr...










Fingernails grow about 3 times faster than toenails.
Chew on that!




Cher wore braces as an adult.
And the Osmonds obviously didn't...




The Poison- Arrow frog can kill about 2,200 people.
May I add a few of my gruesome ex-bosses to your hitlist, Mr. Poison-Arrow Frog, sir?




Notaphily is someone who collects bank notes.
And a necrophilly is?




Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first US President whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal". William Jefferson Clinton is the 2nd.
There's really nothing to add to this, is there?







The only insect that can turn its head 360 degrees is the praying mantis.
That ain't nuffink! Linda Blair can do that AND spit out a pint of green pea soup!




At Disneyland they have hundreds of wild domesticated cats running around the park. They never come out during the day because there's too many people, but the reason they're there is to catch the mice.
Okay, this is literally like something out of a...well, Disney cartoon!




An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than 3 steps backwards while dancing.
Something tells me the tango never made it big in Bellingham.

When Coca-Cola began to be sold in China, they used characters that would sound like "Coca-Cola" when spoken. Unfortunately, what they turned out to mean was "Bite the wax tadpole".
Is this Chinese code language for "suck my dick"?

The hundred billionth crayon made by Crayola was Periwinkle Blue.
There are more than a hundred billion crayons??? There's a colour called Periwinkle Blue???

Charlie Brown's father was a barber.
And Charlie Brown had, what? Three strands of hair? The irony is beautiful, innit?

In the movie "Toy Story", the carpet designs in Sid's hallway is the same as the carpet designs in "The Shining."

As if the idea of your toys coming alive at night isn't freaky enough by itself...

Clinophobia is the fear of beds.
Well, it could have been worse. Imagine if it was clitophobia.

Sigh...I'm getting neither funnier, nor wittier, am I?