What's Neither Useful, Nor Good and Often Not Even True?

I got a lovely email from Dharshini Balan recently. It's about how this dude approached Socrates with a juicy piece of gossip that he couldn't wait to spill.

The philosopher stopped him before he could talk, telling the man that he would be put through a Triple Filter test before being allowed to share his salacious story, which was about Socrates' student.

The first filter was whether or not the man, let's call him Bob, knew if the story was true. He didn't.

The second filter was whether Bob's story was something positive about Socrates' student. Bob's answer was, unsurprisingly, no.

The third and final filter was whether or not the news would have been of any use to Socrates. Bob again replied in the negative.

So, old man Socrates said, "If the story is neither true, nor good, nor useful to me, why would I want to hear it?"

And with that, the eager beaver rumour-monger slunk quietly back to the hole he had come from.

Looking around us today, it would seem like we could all do with a good dose of Socrates' common sense.
Society seems to thrive on gossip today. Scratch that. Society seems to WORSHIP gossip. We have blogs, websites, TV shows, newspaper articles, even entire magazines, devoted to the fine art that gossip has become.

How long does it take for a dirty little Hollywood secret to graduate from low whispers to a gleeful blow-by-blow account on Perez Hilton's Twitter feed?

How quickly does the New York Times or Washington Post jump on the case of a philandering politician?

Closer to home, how often do we come across SMSes that make the most outrageous of claims, stirring us up into a fine frenzy, often for no good reason at all.

Remember the "case" of the Muslims being converted into Christianity in Silibin? Or how about the alacrity with which Chua Soi Lek's sex video was distributed by anybody who had access to email?

Do people even ask themselves anymore what, if anything, this kind of gossip brings to their lives? How does it affect us if Lindsay Lohan is caught snorting coke for the millionth time? Or if some American senator takes a dirty weekend off in South America? Or if Chua Soi Lek is getting some tail on the side?

We pretend that it is important that our politicians and movie stars and sports heroes be good role models. But the truth is we will still continue voting for them, watching their movies and seeing them play if it suits our purposes and our interests. At that moment, it's morals be damned. Who cares if all this is neither good, nor useful nor true? It's fun. Yee haw! Fact is, it's almost impossible to find a person with Socrates' sense of decency these days.

But even as I write this, I realise the hypocrisy of my words. I, more than most others, relish gossip, especially if it's about people I dislike. There's a malicious kind of satisfaction in hearing and re-telling stories that are embarrassing and negative about them, even if the stories may not necessarily be true and even if they may be irrepairably damaging. But the evil troll in my heart takes over and decides that the consequences don't really matter because the story is too much fun not to broadcast.

It's interesting to note that in Dante's nine circles of hell, sowing discord - which is often the ultimate result of malicious gossip - warrants one a lengthy sojourn in the ninth bolgia of the eighth circle of hell.

Its "esteemed" placing is bad enough, considering there are only nine circles of hell altogether. But when you consider that pimps, thieves, sodomites and even corrupt politicians are considered less evil, you begin to realise that the sowers of discord are considered scum even in hell.

The punishment meted out to them is also stomach-churningly dire. In the ninth bolgia, a sword-wielding demon hacks them, dividing parts of their bodies as in retribution for the way they divided others.

As the damned make their rounds there, the wounds heal, only to have the demon tear apart their bodies again. Not a fate one would wish even on one's worst enemies. Well, maybe on the very worst of enemies. You know, characters like evil ex-girlfriends, bitchy relatives, sadistic bosses and backstabbing friends...

Ultimately, to gossip is to indulge in one of the basest of human instincts. Like all other perverse pleasures, it gives the gossiper a twisted sense of satisfaction and joy. But it does nobody any good and neither the gossiper, nor his listener, nor his victim comes out smelling of roses.

That being said, the saintly Socrates never found out that his student Plato was also having an affair with his wife.



NOTE: I am extremely sleepy and tired as I'm writing this, so pardon me if my grammar sucks and I don't sound entirely coherent.